How do we help our kids regulate their emotions?
As a therapist who works with kids and teens, something that guardians seek counseling and support for regarding their children is to help them learn how to manage tough behaviors. Often times, once counseling begins we start to talk about the importance of not only looking at behaviors, but learning how to identify and manage our emotions. When I’m working with kids and families, I call this “emotional development.”
Emotional regulation is the ability to understand and manage one’s emotions - this is not something we are born knowing how to do, it is a skill that develops over time based on what we observe in our environments.
So how do we teach our kids how to regulate their emotions?
First, we start with emotional awareness, which I also call, emotional identification. I tell guardians all of the time, our kids can’t learn what to do with their feelings if they can’t accurately notice them and name them. Children often don’t have the natural ability to name their emotions at a young age. Usually I’ll hear something like “I have a tummy ache” instead of, “I’m feeling nervous or anxious” from my kiddos. So this is where we start through the following process:
Equip them with names for their emotions - Start with the basics: happy, sad, angry, scared and then start to expand on their vocabulary.
Have them notice where they feel these emotions in their bodies. When we feel sad, how do we know? What signals does our body send us that lets us know we’re sad and not angry?
Create a positive emotional culture at home. Check-in about your child’s emotions, talk about emotions on a daily or weekly basis and start to model identifying your own emotions around your child.
The next step guardians can take is, validating their child’s emotions. This is a huge step in building the skill of emotional regulation because in order to manage our emotions, we need to know that it is okay to feel the emotions in the first place! This helps kids understand that these feelings are normal to have and that together we can work through them. How do we teach kids to know their emotions are valid? Follow these steps:
It all starts with empathy - When your child expresses an emotion, respond by naming it and empathizing. Here’s an example. “I can see that you’re angry right now. That must feel really hard.”
Avoid dismissing their emotions - Avoid statements like “Don’t be upset” or “Calm down,” this can have the opposite effect and invalidate their emotions.
The final step is, teaching and modeling how to manage emotions. This is the biggest piece of the puzzle! Once we can name our emotions and know they are valid, what do we possibly do to manage them?! Here are some concrete ways to help your child improve their emotional regulation.
It starts with you! Guardians and those around your child are the biggest model for how the child’s emotions will be regulated. Sometimes just even noticing how you as guardians are managing your emotions and creating healthy habits will make a big shift.
Teach them skills and give them resources and space! Talk and help them practice things like deep breathing, or physical activity to work through tough emotions. Remember, if we want our kids to use their skills in an emotional moment, we need to practice with them when they’re calm. I also always recommend a “calm-down” space that gives chill and zen vibes and has some calming resources readily available.
De-escalate before debriefing. Know that when a child is having a big emotion, that is not the time to talk about solutions or consequences, that is the time to help them know their feelings are valid and that they are with a trusted adult who is going to help them reach a calm body. This is not to say that we should not and can not set boundaries for behaviors that are unacceptable (hitting, kicking, etc.) Once a calm body is reached through deep breathing, a big hug, some exercise, etc. then I invite you to debrief. Let’s talk about how we can handle our emotions differently next time and come up with solutions together.
If you want to help yourself or your child learn emotional development, reach out for a free consultation today!
